If you find that you’re arguing with your partner often, it’s normal to wonder if your relationship has an expiration date you don’t know about. Arguments are often seen as a negative form of communication in a relationship, but I’m here to tell they can actually be very helpful! Small disagreements allow you to express feelings and hash out little issues before they become detrimental to your relationship.
There are ways to tell when someone is unhappy with how things are going in a relationship, however these actions often lead to miscommunication. These are:
–Criticism attacks a partner’s personality or character;
–Contempt emerges in the form of mockery and insults;
–Defensiveness leads to excuses or counterattacks;
–Stonewalling may follow when someone withdraws; and
–Belligerence and aggressiveness can result.
If you're partner starts exhibiting these actions, it's a sign that something is wrong and you both need to sit down and talk it out.
Not sure how to start these conversations? Or not sure how to talk about them without it becoming an argument? Here are a few helpful tips:
--Behavior description involves identifying as plainly as possible a specific behavior that annoyed us.
-- I-statements start with “I” and then describe a distinct, specific emotional reaction. (i.e. " I get upset when you don't help me with housework")
-- Active Listening is a key part of discussing relationship conflict. Two key aspects are paraphrasing (restating what you're partner is saying in your own words) and perception checking (asking our partner to clarify anything we may have misunderstood). This shows your partner that you are giving them your full attention and attempting to understand their feelings.
Rather than focusing on the number of times you’re arguing within a week, look at HOW and WHY. Sometimes even the simplest, most trivial arguments have larger underlying issues. The next time you’re in an argument allow your partner to, respectfully, explain what they’re feeling. Dive deeper and try to understand your partner rather than getting defensive or shutting them out. Accepting the issue as relevant, and knowing where you both stand can help lead to positive solutions.
